i miss you so much. its been 5 weeks of work at lovells, and i guess on balance its a better place than A&G. i have so much more time, which is great, i wish i could spend some more time with you.

its your birthday today, and you would be 65. from the bottom of my heart, i wish you a happy birthday in heaven. yesterday we had steamboat, and i prayed that we will never forget your goodness, the lessons you taught us and the way to live our lives. you truly were the best.

time makes memories fade, life moves on, and new memories replace the old ones. but there will always be a special place in my heart for you mum. i miss you so much. and its sometimes so painful to make a new entry, because it makes me think so much of you.

ming is almost 8 months pregnant now, and she is due to move this weekend. i am getting married on 29 sept next yr at st regis mum. there is so much activity, happiness to share, and so much we would love to share with you. i know how excited you would be for all of us, and i know you are in heaven.

i want to do some good for you mum. i want to help the less fortunate, those who are ill, and be a better testimony to others. now with better work life balance i hope to achieve that.

happy birthday momma. i know we will meet again soon.

i love you, very very much.

we were just in kl last week mum, and tomorrow we go off to bkk – can’t wait! it really has turned out to be our second home in recent years.

ming is now 5 months pregnant mum. i really wish you were around to share in the joy and happiness, and to see ming’s new house. you would be so proud.

auntie eunice invited us for poh piah last week. she is so nice and it was a lovely afternoon spent with your chickens. it really made me think of you. auntie judy said that ming looked like a splitting image of u….

i miss you mum, and wish you were here to share in all that is going on in our lives. i love you with all my heart, and miss talking to you so so much.

yesterday at baker pastor david wee spoke of how when we have no faith, God has faith, and we need to believe that no one is insignificant enough in His eyes. I think we all need to remember that.

I asked grace’s dad yesterday for his permission to marry his daughter. He was shocked, but then he smiled and said he was very happy to welcome me into his family, and he thanked me for asking. So this part of the deed is done mum, now for the proposal in italy.

Did I tell you ming is expecting a boy? He will be called jonathan. Ming is almost 4 months preganant now and due on 15 jan 2012! Are you rejoicing in heaven mum? You would be so so so happy won’t you? But we just have to make do with the situation won’t we…

Its been more than 2 years since you passed away mum, and while I admit the yearning and intense sadness has eased away, the joy, the memories and your place in my heart will remain forever.

Loving you always…
drew

Its been awhile with no update. Sorry. I feel like I have not spoken to you in a very very very long time. It’s been more than 2 years, and I have so much I want to tell you. But I never will be able to.

I found a new job and I am leaving A&G. it took me a long long time to find it, and I hope it will be good. I really don’t know how things will pan out over there, but I think it is a step in the right direction.

Ming is pregnant mum. By now she would be 12 weeks pregnant. It has not been easy, and she is frequently spotting. I heard that was your experience too when you had ming, and it must have been hard as well. Its funny how when we have to relive the experiences you guys took in the past, it has made us so much more grateful for all that you did for us, and I am ever so appreciative for all that you have done.

I have bought my ring last weekend too mama. I really wish you were there to lend your support. I know you would have been so happy for me, and I can imagine you speaking to your sisters and friends about, and the joy that would be brimming from your face. I miss you mum, so much.

Time heals the wounds, but does not diminish the memories.

fortunately there is so much good news to share. ming is pregnant mum! i know you would be so so so so happy. and on hearing the good news in the office, part of me felt so sad that you wont be here to witness all this joy. ming, i know misses you terribly now. and i know that you would have shared this with all your friends. and as i was feeling all lousy in the office because ming’s child will never know you, i think god spoke to me, and he told me that although you might never meet this child in this life, when we are all reunited in eternal life you will be at the gate’s of heaven welcoming and recognising this child.

i also told everyone in hk that i would propose in august. everyone was happy and i know ming was about to cry, and i know exactly why. it’s because we are sad we could not share this with you.

i miss you and love you so much mum. happy mother’s day from the bottom of my heart, you really were the best a child could ask for.

hugs.

OUR JOURNEY WITH CANCER

This is my account of this stage in my life when I am at home taking care of my Mom. Call me strange but I strongly find it necessary to remember this time, these painful memories and emotions, perhaps to etch my last memories of my Mom in writing or in the foresight and hope that it will be of some use to my future children, to read about their grandma’s love towards her family, to have some sense of her courageous and loving personality, and to witness a family’s struggle with cancer. Additionally, it is my belief that through painfully recollecting these memories I will uncover and reflect upon the silver lining from God as to why my family having to go through so much suffering and grief – a reason that I am still trying to figure out and reason within and with God.

It was a late November morning in 2003, typical British weather, when I recognised something different in my Mom’s tone through the phone, and the humming of what I now realise were the machines as she spoke to me in hospital. “Where are you Mom?” I asked. “…In hospital, Yang…” she replied. I will forever remember the trepidation and shock reverberating through my body as I lay speechless in my Hugh Stewart dormitory.

Within a week following that call I was home, a few weeks earlier than expected in my first semester at Nottingham, only to have Ming hurriedly come by to pick me up from the airport early in the morning. My first thoughts were of how this was in start contrast to the many memories I have of my whole family welcoming Ming back from her stints in London each time. Those few weeks in Hilltops for Christmas 2003 will forever stay fresh in my memory – the outpour of grief and tears in our green BMW upon hearing from Ming that Mom really had lung cancer, the comforting words that Ming tried to assure me with and how they just felt on my deaf ears, making many many circles around Cairnhill Circle listening to the song from the Love Actually soundtrack wondering how could things end up this way – which has unofficially become my sobbing anthem, and Mom’s reassuring words to me that morning that “Yang, there will be good days and there will be bad days….” Such simple yet obvious words on hindsight, and I just clung to these words and the belief that for each bad day our family experienced, the Lord would reward us with more good days in return.

To be honest, in retrospect the days of December 2003 are now rather hazy, but I do recall lying in bed in Hilltops feeling as though the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I had just finished NS, and university was suppose to be my first taste of freedom and adulthood. And I remember thinking how unfair it was that while I was on the brink of adulthood and freedom, my mind was equally burdened with the thought of losing the person most dear to me – is there any justice in this world? I vividly recall looking to escape the pain and sorrow I felt by sleeping, but the concoction of fear, sorrow and grief that immediately engulfed me upon waking up will never be forgotten. Apparently, Ming told me that Dad during this time would cry every morning while bring Astro for his morning walk – my stoic old man likewise reduced to tears at the reality of the situation, yet he always remained strong and a pillar of strength in front of my Mom.

However as the news sunk in I slowly came to terms with this new reality, I distinctly remember finding God’s peace. This burden and weight which I felt I was carrying on my shoulders disappeared, and it was replaced with peace – peace that could only have come from God’s love. A peace that as cliché as it sounds, transcended my human frailty and understanding. Undoubtedly, a sense of peace that I am longing for all over again right now…

Fast forward to March 2004, I was back in Singapore for Easter vacation, and we finally got a new puppy to replace Astro. Mom knew how upset we were with the cancer and the loss of Astro that she offered to get us a new dog. And that brought us to Buddy, or Buddy Ray Chan, as my Mom named him. She wanted a name that would symbolise a ray of hope to our family amid all this gloom she knew we were feeling inside.

2004 to June 2005 were great years on hindsight. Mom’s cancer was officially in remission, we managed to stretch the review period with Dr Tan from every 2 to 3 months, and we all could live our lives fairly normally counting on that little Iressa pill. We were all having a decent time, and appreciating everyone even more than usual. I don’t really remember all the events during that time, suffice to say I have as usual taken the good times for granted.

June 2005 was also the month that we went on our long awaited trip to Italy as a family. Growing up, Mom promised us us that when Ming finishes her 6th year in medicine school, and I was in England studying, we will go on a much delayed long holiday together. The holiday was all that sweeter consider Mom’s episode with cancer. I remember feeling all so grown up flying by myself from Notts to Milan, and then walking down the streets of Milan to the hotel to meet Mom and Dad. It strangely made me feel as though everything could and would be alright. A particularly poignant memory is of Mom, Dad and I in the town of Bellagio near Lake Como, when Ming called to tell us that she received excellent grades for her overall degree. Mom and Dad were over the moon, and when Mom put down the phone, tears of joy and happiness streamed down her cheeks, and she let out, amidst her tears filled with sorrow and delight, that she thought that she would not live to see this day…

When we returned from Italy, we found out in a routine medical appointment with Dr Tan that Iressa has finally ran its course as there were small tumours in her brain. We were all in shock. A million thoughts raced through my mind, but Dr Tan’s somewhat reassuring words to Mom as she left the room, “Don’t worry Susan, its not the end yet.”, provided mild comfort and relieve for the months ahead. I vividly recall the tears and anguish as I made my journey home to change, once again reminded of this dreadful disease in my family, and the tears I shed as I called Ming in London to tell her of this turn of events. To make matters worse, I was scheduled to return back to London for my Simmons vacation scheme in 2 days time – something I worked insanely hard to achieve, and which I felt then was my illusive ticket to a training contract in London.

I decided to cut short my vacation scheme from a month to 2 weeks, and I remember Dad telling me that Mom on realising my decision not to return back immediately, cried one morning in the living room, saying that the last thing she wanted was for her to stand in the way of my career. Truth be told, given the facts today I would have made the same decision in a heartbeat… She was pretty find for the 2 weeks while I was there, she initially reacted well to radiotherapy, but during my time in London there was instances when did not want to talk to me because she just wanted to puke and lie down. She puked and puked and puked, and the effect lasted many many months all the way past Ming’s graduation ceremony in London in October 2005, where Mom hauled herself to London, despite her ill health, just to witness Ming’s graduation for herself, knowing full well that if she did not go the experience just would not be the same for any of us. Till today I still think she has reacted worst to radiotherapy. I remember arriving back to Singapore on 12 August 2005 in the evening after my vacation scheme, once again, to have Ming pick me up from the airport; and the image of Mom sitting on our white sofa in Allsworth Park awaiting my return, with her head wrapped in that horrendous shawl and around her lower jaw – as she slowly unravelled her shawl to show me evidence of how much hair had fallen from her scalp this time, will forever be etched in my memory.

Medically, the years of 2006 to 2008 were largely good years. This did not mean that Mom was cancer free, but rather there were short periods of remission from her brain cancer, and periods of stability with her lungs. Thankfully, there was always an alternative treatment available from Dr Tan once one concoction of drugs appeared to have run its course. There were so many drugs Mom took, more than 10 different drugs after Iressa, that Dr Tan mentioned once during one visit, “Susan you are scrapping the bottom of the barrel here…”. That made my Mom and all of us rather worried, and also underscored my greatest fear: what will happen one day when all the drugs run out, then what? Once again on hindsight, God knew this fear and in His plan never let it reach this stage…

All the drugs consequently gave her a variety of side effects. For one drug, she had the worst diarrhoea ever, and I remember her screaming and running home after bible study after she experienced such bad diarrhoea. For another, she had to stay off oily food, so she had to be extremely careful with her diet. Other side effects included renewed bouts of hair loss much to Mom’s dismay – but by then she had come to the realisation that she would be wigging it for many awhile. Some had to be taken with a light dose of steroids, which gave her a super appetite and made her feel invincible and not sleep, she would end up tossing and turning in bed and barely sleeping some nights. She once eagerly told Ming who was post-call to go shopping with her cos she felt that she had so much energy! However despite all these effects, I genuinely think Mom has had it pretty good. Dr Tan has at times expressed astonishment at Mom’s general well-being. And when she would lament to me how tired she was of all these chemo drugs, I would always tell her, “ Mom, your side effects are really minimal, you can still do anything a normal person can, plus God will never test you anymore than you cannot bear right…”

2006 to 2008 can be termed as years that I was perhaps more complacent with the cancer. By then, cancer had become such a regular fixture in our family. Mom’s routine trips to NCC, the routine fear before Mom’s routine scan, have all become part and parcel of our lives, and I guess I have became more and more desensitized towards it. I even started praying less about it, not that I prayed against the cancer everyday, but the pressure from work just distracted me much from Mom’s illness. However despite this complacency, I must reiterate that there were many many wonderful and happy memories, more than these few pages can fill. There were so many moments of family joy, so many moments of laughter, so many moments of love, and so many moments of happiness in my family. Two which deserve special mention would be Mummy’s surprise 60th birthday party Ming and I organised at Petara, and Ming’s wedding which she brought forward from October to July 2008 because Ming knew as a doctor that everyday Mummy spent with us was a blessing. I also remember fondly these words Mummy often told us, “Whatever I can and am capable of doing so for you now, I will….”. And these good time have taught me to realise how blessed I truly am to have such a wonderful mother and family and to experience such intense family love. To borrow a term Auntie Bee Kwan said when she visited us after Mom’s passing, what must be the centre of it all is God’s love.

Frankly my fondly memories of my Mom are not one of her a career woman during my teens. Rather, they are of her in these recent years – one who was ill and needed my care, opinion and love in return, who loved dearly spending time with us, who was constantly rooting for us and who was so filled with pride at Ming’s and my accomplishments in school and in our respective careers, one who was so ready to fetch me back from NUS, one who would wait patiently for my return from work and sit with me as I finish my meal despite my sometimes harassed and moody face, a Mommy who cared so much for her siblings and nieces and nephews well-being, who enjoyed swimming and taking walks with us, one whom I could talk to and appreciate her wise opinion in life. Oh how I miss her, and my heart aches as I type this…

The worrying signs finally began rearing its ugly head in September 2008. It was a Friday afternoon at work, when Ming called saying Mom had gone gaga, and was taking her to SGH A&E for a checkup. Fortunately that episode was short, and by the time I arrived in hospital she was back to normal. I remember rushing into A&E managing to quickly give her a reassuring hug and a “don’t worry, love you mama”, before she went in for her scans. And when she realised her scan results were normal, she cried tears of joy and relief. Another episode happened about 2 months later in November 2008, a Thursday night when I was out with Hang and Jun at Villa something at River Valley. Ming called saying Mommy was gaga again. Fortunately, by the time I rushed home she was ok again. We decided to just bring her to A&E just to be on the safe side. The scans were the same, which thankfully meant no bleeding or further spread. And I remember Mom being so thankful each time she realised nothing had changed that she would shed more tears of joy while waiting for her discharge in the hospital beds. We decided not to stay overnight and brought her home. I remember reaching home at 3am, and having to work the next day.

We had a lovely Christmas in 2008. I remember insisting on having our annual Christmas party at our house, and I told her to “bring it home”, and not let another auntie organise it. And she did. Rather poignantly on retrospect, it was her final party she organised for her extended family, and the last opportunity for her to relish her role as hostess of the party, a role that she loved and cherished. And during our customary debrief gossip session after the party, she specifically told me “See Andrew, you wanted the party here and I did. I brought it home for you.” Contrastingly, New Year’s Eve a few days later was another sad day for us. Dr Tan informed Mom that her brain mets had shrunk, but her lungs cancer was growing. We decided to give Mom one month’s reprieve from all her chemo, and revisit an old concoction of drugs in end January 2009. Mom cried and cried that day, one of the reasons being that she was so sick of this disease and having to rely on more chemotherapy. We tried to cheer her up, and Ming bought her really expensive tag-heuer spectacles. I remember going up to her room before dinner because Ming said she had been crying, she just showered and she was sobbing while wearing her pants and I tried to wipe the tears from her eyes, and telling her it will be ok. That Watchnight service at Wesley on 31 December 2008 would be her last time in church.

Her physical condition was not great by then, particularly her balance. To me the aggressive treatments of prolonged chemo had def taken its toil on Mom’s body. But through it all, Mom still cared so deeply for us all. I recall being down with mycoplasma during this time, and coughing so severely one night when I was showering. And this must have been about 11pm at night, generally passed Mom’s bedtime, when I heard some mumbling coming from my room, mumbling which I could not make out amidst my shower. When I came out of the shower, I was shocked to seem Mom stumbling into my chair, pleading me to see a doctor as soon as possible about my cough. She was also so worried about my mycoplasma she told all her friends about it.

In early January 2009 the gaga-ness revisited again. I remember being so busy with CIT at work on that Friday afternoon and Ming called me again. I agreed to meet her in A&E directly as usual. I only knew something was different this time when I arrived before Ming, and when Ming got out of the car she was asking Mom loudly, “Mom grip my hand, grip my hand!” Her gaga state had lasted longer than usual, which made all of us terribly worried. I remember crying with Dad outside the A&E and praying for her to be ok, Ming frantically trying to speak to the doctors to assess Mom’s condition, and to check whether she was no longer gaga, and trying to sneak pass the security guard to comfort and assess Mom for herself. Ming really loved Mummy a lot. I remember finding the second entrance outside the toilets, standing there so that we could catch a glimpse of Mom going into her scan to see if she was still gaga. I remember being so so worried, so many thoughts crossed my mind as to how this would affect Mom. Ming always settled her medical stuff and I did her admin and bills. Thus I was always last to see Mom after her admission. I remember running to ward 74, with my heart filled with worry and eagerness at finally getting the chance to see her. And Ming was outside ICA with her friends saying “Mom is better”. Thank goodness! I remember being so so relieved seeing her and kissing her and saying, “Thank God you are ok! Mom, you had us so worried!”

The doctors were all slightly puzzled at Mom’s state, but largely attributed it to some development in her brain, not visible from the scans that surprisingly still showed no change. She ended up staying over for 2 nights this time. By this point Mom’s physical condition worsened somewhat and she was not so stable in walking. I remember walking with her one evening to view the Watten residence showrooms ☺. I also recall taking a walk with her one evening after dinner, and I teared up telling her, “Mom it hurts so much to see you like this”. And she replied, “all of us need to go Yang, it’s going to be tough to get over it, especially for the caregivers, but life must go on…” On hindsight its as though she knew, she really knew, and she was mentally prepared…

She had another bad seizure in mid January 2009. Ming was on call that night, and Dad woke me up at 2.30am saying that Mom was not feeling well again. Initially her seizure looked to be ok. I continued to update Ming through the night. She kept on asking to pee, and Dad and I have to try many times to lift her up and bring her to the toilet. We were up all night monitoring her, and Mom was not getting any sleep. She kept on coughing, and wanting to pee. Slowly her seizure worsened, by 8am then next day when Ming saw her she immediately told us to bring Mom to hospital. By then her eyes was fixated to one side and she really was not good. We hurried up to change and then Ming, Crysdal and myself carried Mom from her room down the stairs to my car. The journey there was unbearable, what with the rush hour jam making things worse. She kept on asking us to let her pee, to promise to let her pee. And she was in so much discomfort. She actually did not want to pee, but it was her tumours and the seizure creating all these problems. I remember immediately once we reached A&E, rushing out to help her up into the stretcher, while Ming shouted out to the nurses, “Stroke patient! Triage her immediately!” And I also recall seeing her tucked in the small blue room at A&E, winching in pain as the doctors do all sorts of procedures on her just so that the seizures would stop.

By then we were all experts with A&E, I knew exactly where to park to be nearest to ward 74. She took even longer to get out of her seizure this time. She only got out of it in the evening, nearly 12 hours later. Each seizure takes her back 2 steps, and this time it was evident to all, her psychomotor skills worsened, her walk was so bad we had to assist her, everything. It was a 5 night hospital stay this time b4 we finally took her home. Her condition was deteriorating fast.

The months of Jan to March 2009 were the worst for me. Dr Tan assessed her condition and said on 10 Feb 2009 that Mom was no longer suitable for further chemo given her condition. He told Dad and Ming that she would go within the year, and to prepare for hospice care. When Ming told me the news outside Dr Tan’s room I cried and cried and cried all the way to work, and cried in my office to Florence and Dawn. It was akin to knocking the final nail on its head – he was effectively saying that there is no route of out this time. I always knew since 2003 that when Mom got to this stage I would want to take care of her myself and spend time with her. So on 13 February 2009, I decided to go on no pay leave to look after Mom. It was a big decision, but the simplest big decision I ever made because the answer and what I had to do as her son was so clear. It was less easy convincing Dad of my decision who thought I was throwing my career away – which on hindsight turned out to be true.

The time spent at home with Mom, or rather her final 100 days, can best be described as bitter-sweet. It was extremely draining having to watch after Mummy constantly. It was also incredibly exasperation seeing her condition deteriorate before my eyes with us unable to do anything to improve her condition. She even tripped one night in the wee hours of the morning after peeing, thinking she could still walk unaided, and ended up with a bloody mouth and a bruised nose. We were so thankful nothing worse happened. Progressively, Dad grew increasingly afraid of helping her at night, so he started calling me at night every time my Mom wanted to pee. I remember sleeping with Mom on her bed on some days where she was feeling less well, and lying awake at night just thinking of the future, and hearing her breathing getting shallower, and jumping up whenever she would cough to pat her for comfort, and cover her blanket. She had more difficulty eating and one of us would have to hold her head during meals to keep it straight. We had to help her shower, brush her teeth, wipe her after she pee, change her. And she was getting more and more quiet. But I did it all willingly because I really love her so much. Sometimes it took such a toil on me emotionally because the mother I knew just was not there anymore, and I was still coming to terms with this change in expectation. I remember feeding Mom lunch one afternoon, and going to the toilet to cry in her room as I was so irritated with her, and so disappointed in this turn of events. I also vividly recall one afternoon while Mom was lying on the sofa in the living room. I tried to tell her that the year was passing so fast, and before we knew it we would be celebrating her 63rd birthday come October. She then told me that she did not think she would live to celebrate her next birthday. And I told her, “Mom we try, we try out best to get you to October ok?” And I cried when I recounted that story to Dad later that day.

I also tried my best to pray with Mommy during this time, usually before she went to bed. Inadvertently while praying for God to heal Mommy and to cling on to the words of healing, I would end up in tears whereby Mom would then say, “Go take a tissue and wipe away your tears”. Speaking of tears, I also recall the numerous times I spent crying with Grace at St Andrew’s Cathedral during lunch break while I was still working, and driving to Wesley to just sit in the pulpit in the sanctuary and just pleading and crying to God to heal her…

Despite her condition, she still cared for me immensely. She would ask Dad every morning where I was, and was so worried when I told her some of my colleagues were retrenched one evening. She was also very appreciative of all we did for her, and when we put her to sleep, after getting my “kissy kissy” on both cheeks, she would say a very appreciative thank you. And it would melt my heart.

I was starting to realise that one day Mom wont be able to speak to me anymore, so during this time I tried to ask her some important questions. Once morning during breakfast, I asked her what she thought of Grace, and her reply was that she was a very sweet girl. And when I asked her if she was a “Jennifer”, she said she does not know. Later that night while preparing her for bed I repeated that question, and she said, “ Andrew, I am just so glad you finally found someone”. During the wake, Auntie Liam Kiat also went up to Grace and told that Mom was fond of her ☺. I also managed to ask Mom what names she liked, with the hope that my future children could one day be called that. I asked her if she like the name “Christopher”, and she said yes. I now also recall that she liked the names “Matthew”, and “Jonathan (?)”.

We all knew that another seizure was bound to happen. And happen it did during the second week of March 2009, a few days before my 27th birthday. Another bad one, again while Ming was on call, increasing her epilim did not help and neither did the additional drugs that Ming came back to inject her with. I recall that it was a Tuesday and the sisters had arrived to visit her too. I remember holding her in my arms with her head resting on my shoulder while she was gaga. In the end the ambulance had to come to carry her in a stretcher to A&E, where the usual chain of events happened again. It really was a very sorry and painful sight to witness my love-one go through. Ming was still working during this time so I ended up being my Mom’s main care-giver in hospital. She was admitted into Ward 74 again by the evening and to my amazement by the next morning at least she was able to open her eyes, and talk some rubbish to me, which was kind of usual by this stage. She definitely recognised me and gave me her usual sweet smile, as well as to Auntie May Niang later on. She was slowly getting more awake I started thinking that this time the effect of the seizure would not be so bad after all. Another patient’s relatives in ICA also came over to ask me what Mommy had, thinking that Mommy looked to be in the same state as their relative. At this point I told Mommy to open her eyes big big, so that they can see that she was awake while theirs was not, and Mommy could fully understand and do it which was just so funny.

Her condition continued to improve and was transferred out of ICA to a private room the next day. That’s why it puzzled me greatly when she slowly slipped into an 8 day state of unconsciousness the very next afternoon after I went home to take a shower.
That period in hospital was a torture to all of us. She slept and slept and slept, and despite us trying repeatedly to wake her up, she would not fully wake up. So many friends, relatives, and bible study friends all came to call her to try to get her to arise from her state of unconsciousness but all efforts just did not succeed. I always felt that she was slightly unconsciousness, because at times when people call out her name repeatedly her eyes would open slightly and only the white in the eye could be seen. I remember Auntie Bee Kwan trying to cheer me and Ming up, and as they were leaving from the room, I stepped out too and just started crying in the hallway outside ward 78. I cried and cried and cried, and that is when Auntie Bee Kwan told me that Mummy had told her that her greatest joy in life was to have the two of us. And I just cried even more. I remember feeling so terrible inside, and staring out into the sky in the corridor for an hour. It was during this time when I also celebrated by 27 birthday. Ming ordered my lana cake, and they all sang me happy birthday in hospital, with the cake in front of me, with Mummy still in her sleep… I will always remember that image, because it was just so so painful.

Her condition did not improve and Ming decided that we should just take Mummy home, for us to care for her at home. She came back in the ambulance with Ming accompanying her. And I vividly remember the image of me and Daddy waiting in the porch, seeing the ambulance arrive, and Mummy being carried out. I really had my heart broken repeatedly, everyday brought new depths, and everyday brought new levels of sadness. I also feel that it was so unfair if Mummy just slipped away like that, because it just did not make sense to me since she already awoke from her seizure, and that I did not have the chance to say my last words to her. Naomi was designated to care for Mummy completely, and it was a challenge for me to learn how to feel her through her feeding tubes.

I recall her many visitors during this stage, one in particular was Uncle Lim Siong Guan who visited Mummy shortly after she was brought home. He asked me what I hoped for at this stage, and my reply to him was, “I just really want my Mummy to wake up.” It became a reality to us all at this stage that she was going to go, but I just wanted to have this one chance to speak to her properly and tell her all my heart’s desire. And wake up she really did. 8 days after slipping into her coma like state, she awoke, much to all our surprise! I really could not believe it. I was so happy. And for the next week or so, Mummy was so awake in her bed and just did not seem to want to sleep, perhaps she was afraid that closing her eyes would leave to another long period of unconsciousness. And to not leave her alone at night, I sometimes stayed up at night with her holding her hand and talking to her, until she finally fell asleep.

This period was really just so so difficult for all of us. I remember once realising that Mummy was awake, I told her everything I wanted to share with her, with tears streaming down my face: I told her that we would take good care of Daddy, I told her repeatedly how much I love her, and that I know how much she loves us, I told her that I will make her proud and to give me time to do so, I told her that I will stumble many more times in future but to be patient with me in Heaven because I will do right in the end, I told her that I want my children in future to know about her well and all the good things she did for us, I told her she was the bravest person I knew and that she has been so brave through all this, and I told her not to worry about the finances because I will manage them well. I tried to spend much time with her during this stage, I would read the newspapers with her and tell her anything interesting, I would sometimes just hold her hand and watch her sleep, I would pray every night with her, I would help Naomi bathe her, and I would climb onto the bed and just hug her and kiss her too…..

I recall reading an issue of Time magazine that had an interview with Michael J Fox who was battling Parkinson disease, and he said something to the effect that there are a myriad of ways to react to such adversity, and he chose the positive way out. I am trying to but it is just so hard.

By this time my mother was completely bed-ridden, and she could no longer speak to us. However despite all this she somehow managed to call out, “An Soo” to my Dad one morning while she was pretty bright and alert. I think these were the last words she ever spoke, and aptly it was to my Dad. Her eyes also sometimes looked up whenever she heard someone at the door. She was also awake more days than others. I remember one night after praying with her, I asked her if she knew that I love her so much, and she blinked her eyes real hard at me. He eyes were basically the only things she could control this stage. The same thing happened one night when after prayer when I said the Lord’s prayer with her. Sometimes when we called out, “Mama…” she would open her eyes wide at us – perhaps as an indication that she still is here with us.

During this time Kevin met me for supper one night, and recounted to me what a great testimonial Mummy gave at the end of bsf last year, and how touched Kevin’s mum was by it, and how well Mummy looked then. And I cried on the way home, cried because I was so proud of her, cried because I remember vividly helping Mummy craft her testimonial and telling her what to say when she actually wanted to go off the cuff, and cried because I remember reading her text message to me telling me how well it went.
She lasted pretty well for another 6 weeks. Many of her friends and relatives constantly visited her. Auntie Eunice and the rest of the chickens came almost every Friday evening and sang songs to her, knowing that she enjoyed it tremendously. Her sisters came every Tuesday, as did her colleagues. Slowly however she developed pneumonia. Ming came out to me while I was swimming on Thursday afternoon and told me she suspects Mummy has contacted pneumonia, and I stopped swimming and I looked at her eyes, and she looked back at me and we just knew it would be soon, the end had to be near. The end was short and relatively painless compared to others I think. She only had the tiniest amount of morphine Ming gave her the night before she passed away. I always anticipated her to go with another big seizure, but it was the lungs that gave way in the end. My beloved mother passed away on 9 May 2009 at around 6.50am, the eve of Mother’s Day.

The wake and funeral was a short 3 day affair, I could not bear to drag it on any further. Dad insisted it be held at home, her home that she fought so hard for us. On hindsight I think it was something Mummy would have been proud of us handling. I like to think that it was a classy, and dignified wake and funeral. We could not have done so without the support of our relatives who came so quickly after she passed, Auntie Liam Kiat who gallantly brought us Lana cake and buried our heads towards her as we saw Mummy being taken away. Ming gave an incredibly touching speech at the funeral. Together as a family we slept in the living room with Mummy for those 2 nights. So many people who have met Mummy from all walks of life came for her wake, including her old friends, Lawrence Lien, Set De, Nancy, and they all spoke glowingly of her.

I feel that Mummy has set the bar very high for me in life. She accomplished many things and touched many peoples lives. She brought Uncle Harold and Arthur to church, and loved God with all her heart. She was a wonderful wife and an excellent Mother to us. And she cared about people she cherished deeply. As I mentioned earlier, she really is the strongest and bravest person I knew. And she is and forever will be my role model in life.

I have never loved anyone so deeply in my life, and the pain, the grief and the void left in my heart I fear will forever remain. I feel that a part of me died, or was left behind the day I lost my Mummy. But I try my best to cheer myself one, to carry on, to move on. Because it says in the Bible that as Christians, death has lost its sting, because we have eternal life – and I longingly look forward to seeing her welcome me in Heaven with open arms, where we will be reunited as Mother and Son once again…

we leave for hk this wed mum, i cam imagine you telling us like your normally would, how expected you are. i dont think u would like hk though, since i think it would be too polluted for you, and that you would need another holiday after hk.

i am tired of work mum. help. how long more till i get out….

miss you so so much.

love you mum.

but does that mean to do so i must forget you, to move on from the memories and to make new ones? i remember when we went walking you told me to must remember to move on, but i honestly don’t want to move on if it means forgetting your memories, forgetting your goodness, forgetting your wisdom.

its been almost 1 year at a&g mum, you would be proud wont you? i have tried not to complain about quitting, i have tried to be a big boy. but i cant stay here for long mum.

i miss you, and hold you very dear to my heart mum.

am i so unhappy?
did u rob me of my mum?
did u rob me of maternal love?
is my dad relationship with us this way?
am i in this job….

so many questions, so few answers, so little direction.

help me Lord.

goodness i miss you so much mum.